Title: Do You Think I'm Sexy?
Rating: NC-17 / R
Pairing: Szayel Apollo Granz/Kurotsuchi Mayuri
Warnings: This story is full of crack. It contains highly unethical experiments for Science, voyeur!Nemu, sexy Hollow hole touching, some blood, vivisextion (vivisection + sex), suggestive Zanpakutou molesting, and mad scientist cuddles.
Summary: This is how mad scientists say "I love you".
Notes: In the story Mayuri remembers how he once said, "A man's scream is really lacking in comparison to a woman's. It's nowhere as lustful. Rather, it's unbearably annoying." Also, at the end, he recalls his "perfection" speech. And yes, this story's title is the Rod Stewart song (and the Revolting Cocks version too) which played on loop as I wrote this.
Thank you to teratomarty for beta-ing even though he doesn't watch Bleach!
Edit: Now with extra bonus material!
For some reason, the wails coming from Mayuri's lab seemed to be in a different key than usual.
Nemu was no stranger to screams as Mayuri toyed with research subjects on his slab, but analyzing the noises now issuing through the door of Mayuri-sama's private lab space, she realized they weren't the usual howls of pain.
The door was ajar. Kurotsuchi Mayuri had not programmed curiosity into Nemu, but she paused by it anyway. Moans of pleasure rarely came from inside research labs, and even so, that wasn't Mayuri's voice.
"Mayuri... oh, Mayuri, not so fast!"
Her auditory cortex processed the sound patterns of that familiar lilting voice, and determined the voice belonged to Szayel Apollo Granz.
Nemu looked up, and saw a new sign on the door.
Do NOT Enter On The Pain Of Death!!!
That Includes You, Rin
From inside the lab, Mayuri cackled as he attached more electrodes to the inside of the Arrancar's Hollow hole, which lay low in the middle of his pelvis. Szayel gasped when Mayuri's fingertips brushed the edges of it, his back arching off the steel table. Mayuri grinned like a skull as he deliberately dragged the pads of his fingers deep inside the Hollow hole, and the other scientist let out a beautiful, tortured cry, hips bucking violently.
Mayuri already knew the Hollow hole was an erogenous zone - he'd discovered that weeks ago.
"What a wonderful opportunity to conduct research on Arrancar anatomy! Of course I'm eager."
"You're terrible," Nemu heard the other Arrancar say in his usual coquettish tone, a little breathlessly.
"Indeed. Be a good lab rat and hand me the saw."
Nemu peeked into the lab. She wasn't programmed for shock, either. The sight of the eighth Espada on Mayuri's slab, completely naked and sliced open from neck to groin wasn't disturbing. The fact that he had been restrained to the autopsy table with several black tentacles didn't unnerve her at all. The many electrodes stuck all over the Arrancar's lithe body and the dozens of colourful wires criss-crossing his pale skin didn't bother her in the slightest.
The disturbing part was that he was visibly aroused, and so was Mayuri, who usually knew better than to perform experiments without his clothes on. Right now, the only stitch of clothing on him was his white lab coat, heavily stained a deep red by the Arrancar's blood. He was covered head to foot in it. Nemu tried not to formulate plausible reasons as to why there was blood smeared on his massive erection.
Quickly, she ducked out of sight, but it didn't stop her from hearing the lewd noises the Espada was making.
"Oh, Mayuri... you know how to talk dirty to a fellow scientist."
"Don't flatter yourself," Mayuri replied casually.
Szayel pouted. "Harsh, Captain."
The Arrancar was in his Resurrección form. His pink hair fanned out on the shiny metal autopsy table, and his long wings trailed off the table onto the floor.
"Oh, I almost forgot," Mayuri said absent-mindedly, "must take samples."
Mayuri waved his hand dismissively, and the black tentacles' grip around his research subject's ankles, wrists and torso loosened enough for Mayuri to push him onto his side.
Szayel Apollo Granz turned and smiled at Mayuri with lust and something like worship in his eyes, and then the sharp whining of a power saw broke out.
"Hold still," Mayuri grinned, showing off his yellow teeth to full extent.
Szayel screamed in agony and ecstasy, his flesh and bone sent flying as Mayuri drove the saw into the juncture where his back and wing met. On the huge computer monitor, several of the many wavy lines spiked crazily.
"I adapted this program from the electroencephalograph and electrocardiograph in the human world, but these electrodes record your reiatsu levels instead of electrical activity," Mayuri shouted over the noise of the saw.
Szayel would have been impressed if he hadn't been so preoccupied.
When he seemed to be making little headway, Mayuri turned off the saw, and it whirred to a stop. He scratched his head, looking at the sawblades. The serrated edges were now dull.
"Hm," he murmured.
"So sorry," Szayel panted. "It must be my Hierro."
Mayuri wandered away from the table to the equipment cabinet and rummaged around.
He pulled out a huge chainsaw from deep inside the cabinet, brandishing it triumphantly.
"This will do."
Szayel's eyes widened. Nemu's eyes did too, when she heard the Arrancar say "That's too big!"
"Nonsense!" said the head of the Shinigami Research and Development Institute. "It all depends on how you use it."
Nemu decided they weren't discussing what she thought they were discussing.
There was a great roar as the chainsaw revved up, and the screaming resumed. Nemu peeked again and saw Szayel's slender body writhing on the table. The pain seemed to only fuel his lust, judging by his reactions.
When the noise of the sawblades stopped, she heard something thump onto the floor, and saw Mayuri pick up the Espada's severed wing.
Mayuri walked over to his beloved machines, placing the wing, which still twitched in his hand, down onto the flat surface of one. Deftly he attached several electrodes to it, and moved over to program several commands on his computer, fingers dancing gracefully over the keyboard in an intricate ballet.
Glass panels rose and closed in on all four sides of the wing, forming a tank, which began to fill with a clear yellow liquid, then sealed itself shut. Mayuri left it floating in the solution, the computer frantically analyzing the sample. He ignored the stream of data displayed on a secondary screen, and went back to his research subject.
"Where were we? Ah, yes. Now we examine closely the intricacies of Arrancar physiology."
Szayel shivered in anticipation as Mayuri picked up his scalpel, watching it gleam dangerously above his open torso. There was enough slack in the black tentacles for him to move his hands a little, and he grasped the edges of the long, bloody incision down his torso, pulling himself open for the other scientist.
"Dissect me all you want, Kurotsuchi Mayuri," the Espada said in a husky drawl, batting his long eyelashes at the other scientist.
Nemu couldn't see Mayuri's face from where she was, and wasn't sure she wanted to, but it made Szayel Apollo Granz giggle.
Mayuri chuckled. "There's nothing I love more than a willing test subject."
They're flirting! Nemu thought. Her artificial mind boggled at the idea of mad scientist foreplay. Her status report could wait. Something told her that if Mayuri-sama were interrupted now, there'd be Hell to pay.
Three hours later, Nemu returned to the Arrancar Research Lab, thinking Mayuri-sama would have finished experimenting by now, but instead of peace and quiet, a constant stream of loud moans and grunts drifted down the corridor.
"Mayuri," cried a voice from inside. "Oh... oh, Mayuri... harder... God, yes!"
Nemu stopped dead, a blush creeping over her cheeks. That couldn't be what she thought it was. She peered around the door, stunned.
Now there were electrodes inside Szayel too, attached to every one of the Arrancar's organs through the vast, gaping wound in his chest, and Mayuri had stuck electrodes on his cock as well. Wires ran everywhere from inside Szayel, draped all over the table, wrapped around them both. The machines were going insane with all the reiatsu the machine was picking up, warning alarms sounding to indicate abnormal reiatsu levels. Mayuri's computer was excitedly vomiting data reports in a neverending sheet of paper.
Mayuri himself was on the autopsy table, fucking his research subject hard, both of their bodies slicked red all over with Arrancar blood. There was frightening, salacious grin on Mayuri's painted face, his hands gripping his research subject's hips hard enough to bruise, thumbs digging into the Hollow hole and grinding cruelly against it with every thrust.
"What is it, Nemu?" Mayuri called over Szayel's constant cries of pleasure, not even bothering to slow down to talk to his lieutenant as he thrust into the Arrancar. "I'm carrying out a very important experiment here."
"My greatest apologies, Mayuri-sama," she said quickly, embarrassed to be caught spying on them. "Should I come back later?"
"Don't bother," Mayuri said nonchalantly. "He'll be dead soon. You will help him respawn."
She watched as Mayuri continued fucking the octava Espada in front of her, groaning in triumph. Finally Szayel threw his head back, shuddering, and wailed Mayuri's name one last time; his orgasm caused the urgent symphony of alarms to rise even more as he released tremendous amounts of reiatsu, and Mayuri's painted body stiffened, white hands clutching tightly at the edges of the Arrancar's Hollow hole as he came hard as well. The only thought in his brain was he would have to retract that statement he'd made about a man's scream lacking in comparison to a woman's, because Szayel's was definitely lustful enough.
The alarms stopped as Szayel's reiatsu levels dropped back to normal, but then they continued to fall past that.
"Just as I thought," said Mayuri, climbing down from the autopsy table. "He's dying. Nemu, time for him to respawn," he called as he sauntered off to clean up.
Nemu stepped forward, as one long feeler shot out of the Arrancar and wrapped around her. Panting hard, it took Szayel considerable effort to summon the last of his reiatsu to use Gabriel, after being literally shagged to death.
Nemu screamed, her body contorting in pain as Szayel used his remaining strength to enter her through the pores in her skin and implant the embryo in her. Cells divided rapidly; two, then four, then eight, and on and on as he used Nemu to resurrect himself, invading her internal organs and absorbing her spirit particles from inside out. One by one, every line on the monitor went flat, the reiatsugraph machine beeping in a monotone.
As he devoured his way out of Nemu, she collapsed bonelessly to the floor like a broken doll, twitching feebly as he drained all her power out of her. The whole process took only several minutes, but now a brand new Szayel Apollo Granz emerged, reborn and perfectly unscathed.
Szayel got to his feet shakily, as Mayuri returned, dressed in his usual hakama and captain's haori. Barely regarding Nemu's lifeless form, he gazed thoughtfully instead at Szayel's old body, cut up and sawn apart, electrodes and wires still spilling out from of it, a thin stream of his come leaking from it and Szayel's own splattered across his belly.
"Dear me," Szayel said, running his fingers through wet, pink hair, "I look like such a mess."
"This is always such a problem, what to do with leftovers." Mayuri mused.
Szayel Apollo Granz walked over and grabbed the hilt of his Zanpakutou, slung in front as always. Mayuri's eyes widened, startled.
"Why don't you just get your monster to clean it up?" he asked with bedroom eyes, the teasing tone back in his voice again as he slid his hand suggestively down the hilt.
"A fantastic idea!" Mayuri clapped his hands, and drew his Zanpakutou. "Bankai. Kakimushire, Konjiki Ashisogi Jizou."
The monster appeared with the cry of a human child, with the huge body of a caterpillar and an immense golden baby's head, emitting great amounts of red reiatsu. There was a red cape around its neck, and a silver halo floated above its massive dome. The overall effect was rather grotesque, but impressive.
"Lunchtime," called Mayuri cheerfully.
In Kurotsuchi Mayuri's private quarters in the 12th Division barracks, Szayel snuggled up to Mayuri in bed. Mayuri had cleaned off all his make-up at the end of the day, and his hair had reverted back to being short and blue. Without the mask and headdress, his beautiful golden eyes were so much more noticeable. Szayel had let go of his Resurrección form too.
Szayel had received a pleasant shock when he saw Mayuri after his bath, assuming that the head researcher's unique look was permanent. But when the make-up came off, he'd fallen in love with the extensive scars and stitches that covered almost every inch of his dusky skin.
"Say it again," Szayel said, playing coy. He ran his long fingers over the stitches on the other scientist's belly tenderly.
Szayel's soft pink hair brushed against his chest as they cuddled. Mayuri decided he liked have his scars stroked. "You are my favourite research subject," Mayuri cooed.
"Oh, Mayuri. That's the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me," the Espada purred.
"It's not every day you find ones you can experiment with over and over again. Unlike Nemu, who is only a disposable gigai at best, you are indispensable."
"Ah, Kurotsuchi Mayuri..." sighed Szayel, "you've made me the happiest scientist in the world."
As Szayel kissed the stitches on his chest, Mayuri couldn't help but think that even if this wasn't perfection, it was still fucking fantastic.